Dead or Alive
by DoombotScout
Summary: Spy, Scout, and Soldier leave Teufort heroes. When they return, they are treated as the same. However, Engineer has a bad feeling about this particular adventure... but they're just going out for a drink, right? How could it possibly go wrong? Many ways, as it turns out. {Takes place directly after A Smissmas Story} (Description is not my best, I might change it later)
**Hello all! I know that technically I should be writing my other story, Into the Unknown (a Halo and Avengers crossover), but hey, I'm lazy, and I've had the idea for this story ever since I first read "A Smissmas Story". I wondered how the mercs went from town heroes to wanted men, since technically the saved a bunch of children from being abducted, and so I decided to write this story. I dunno how good it is, I started writing it a few months ago, but we'll see… here's hoping! (NOTE: later chapters will include the lamp lawyer!)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Team Fortress 2; that's Valve.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **[DOA Ch. 1]**

The Engineer hummed cheerily as he worked out a particular harrying Dispenser flaw. He loved making progress and solving problems (so long as they were practical), the Texan relished the feeling of accomplishment as things just clicked together and _poof!_ Another job done, another problem solved.

He smiled contentedly, the whole base was quiet. Almost freakishly so. However, to said base's occupants, the silence was nothing short of heavenly. With no Spy around to get under their skin, no crazed Soldier to yell at them and make them do drills, and best of all, no Scout to yak away until their ears practically fell off or to prank them, the rest of the mercenaries were off on their own, enjoying themselves for the first day of many as their three teammates went off to perform their first day of community service as Mall Santa's, something that everyone hoped they wouldn't screw up.

Engie sighed, and began doing some mandatory maintenance on his Gunslinger, oiling some hinges here, tightening a few screws there. The gears in his mind began turning as he thought of a few upgrades that would improve it…. Like maybe he could find a way to mount a-

His thoughts were jarred to an unpleasant halt as an all-too-familiar nasally voice broke through into his consciousness like Spy's knife through his back.

"Yo, wassup losers? Da boss is in da house!"

"Yeah, you hear that, maggots? We are back. WE HAVE JUST SAVED AMERICA FROM A PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN THREAT, AND WE GOT MEDALS!" An All-American voice bellowed.

"Actually, we were pardoned and made zhe front page ov zhe newspaper, Soldier. You are welcome." a smooth voice corrected irritably in a strong French accent.

 _Pardoned?_ That was the only word that Engie actually processed, his head spinning. A blanket of dread spread over him as he realized what these words meant.

It seemed that the other five mercenaries also realized what this meant at almost the same moment that he did, and in near-perfect unison, six voices rang out.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" (or Mpphhhhhhh! in Pyro's case)

About an hour or so later, in which there were many mental breakdowns (and not just from Demo), quite a few rages in which the three saviors of Smissmas got injured (including Medic attempting murder Scout with his bonesaw instead of fixing him up after Heavy strangled "annoying baby man", Sniper throwing a jar of Jarate at Spy, Medic attempting to give Soldier a deadly dose of Thunderbolts, and the Engineer's Gunslinger "accidentally"- well, enough said), part of the base getting demolished (courtesy of a joint effort between Engie, Demo, and Pyro), and vulgar cursing from all 6 of them, they had finally gotten their act together, and were currently having a team meeting to figure out what the heck had gone wrong.

"So, boyos, whae don't'ch'ya tell us wot 'appened?" Demoman snapped.

"Yes, wot 'appened, Spook?" Sniper said accusingly, as if this whole thing was Spy's fault (which, knowing him, it probably was).

All he got was a nasty glare and a few choice swears as an answer.

Scout stepped boldly forward. "Well, don't mean tah brag or whatever, but it was pretty great," he began. All other occupants of the room groaned, even his partners in crime- nobody enjoyed Scout's "100% honest" stories. "…And so I hit him in da head like "Bam!", and he was all like "Ow! I'm a wuss an' I'm gonna go an' be a freakin' coward and cry to my freaking mommy!" and so then I…" Scout's voice droned on endlessly.

"Hold it, mon ami." Spy stopped him. "Just take a look at _this_ ," he said to the other mercenaries, sliding a newspaper at his waiting "friends".

They all took turns reading it, passing the paper around, jaws dropping.

As many glasses were cleaned, heads were shook to make sure that they weren't hallucinating, and Heavy reading the paper incredulously for the 9th time, Spy's smug smirk had dropped to a strained, slightly more frustrated one.

"Herr Engineer, can you check to zee if it iz not forged, Ja?" Medic inquired.

He snatched the paper out of the latex gloved hands. "Sure thing, pardner, dunno why I didn' think of it earlier."

As he was scrutinizing the paper, it was - most surprisingly - Spy who had an outburst.

"Oh, _come on!_ " He snapped. "Is us doing zomething good for zhe community so surprising?" Without even looking up from whatever they were doing at the time, everyone, including Scout and Soldier, said "Yes."

Spy sighed. "Well, I assure you, eet eez not…"

"It ain't forged." Engineer said suddenly, surprise evident in his voice.

Demoman fell out of his seat. Heavy dropped his sandvich. Medic stuck his fingers in his ears to make sure he wasn't just hearing things. Pyro gave a "Mph!" of surprise. Sniper, who had been in the midst of relieving himself, missed the jar, much to everybody's chagrin.

Spy looked away.

"Well I coulda told ya _dat_." Scout muttered loudly.

"We saved America, maggots!" Soldier boomed proudly, and saluted.

"Well I wouldn't go zo far as to say _America_." Spy muttered under his breath.

"We're freaking _heroes_ in Teufort now!" Scout said proudly. "I'm da _man_!"

Demoman groaned. "Oi need ter get mahself a bloody drink." He took a long swig from a bottle of previously hidden Scrumpy.

"Does baby man have more beer?" Heavy asked curiously. "Heavy needs to get drunk."

"Ja," Medic agreed. "I need to loze myself in my sorrows, I zhink."

"Mpphhh!" Pyro agreed, clapping his hands excitedly.

"Well, wot're we bloody waitin' fer? Th' fridge is that-a-ways!"

"Mrrppphhh!" Pyro offered to his other friends.

"Naw thanks, Mumbles." Engie smiled. "Ah might not look it, but Ah'm not so desperate that Ah need tah drink until Ah can't remember mah name -"

" _Thank you!"_ Scout jutted in.

"- but ah'm pretty darn close tah it." Engie finished, sending a glare in the young man's direction.

"**** you!" Scout shouted angrily.

"Language!" Sniper butted in, slapping the younger man with his kukri.

Engineer laughed softly to himself at this, Sniper really was sensitive about these kinds of things sometimes.

"Oh, yuk it up, chuckles!" Scout snapped at him sourly, ruefully rubbing at his head, which now sported a lump, "Oi'd like tah see _you_ laugh yer way outta gettin' whipped by a knife wifout even bein' able tah get tha doc tah fix it up cuz he's so busy getting' friggin' wasted an' I bet that this is jus' that psycho's evil way of getting' back at me fer gettin' some Bonk on 'is _oh so precious_ friggin' skeleton, an' Ah mean I didn' even spill much, Ah swear! It wos loike a teensy-"

 _WHAM!_

Scout now sported two large lumps, one from Sniper, and one from Spy, who had obviously had enough of the boy's constant drivel.

"Yo, dude, what the crap? Not cool!" Scout complained loudly. Spy merely shrugged.

"You were being a morve stupide. So I decided to slap you."

"No fair! I don' know any frikkin' French!" Scout complained.

"He said "stupid snot", private!" Soldier barked out suddenly.

Everybody froze and looked at the man in a stunned silence.

The crazed veteran looked at them with a tilted head, eyes showing honest confusion. "What?" He demanded.

"Solly, you… know _French_?" Engie asked incredulously.

"What? No!" Soldier snapped, appearing horrified at the very idea. "I only speak American! Speaking any other language would be like fraternizing with the enemy!"

Sniper's jaw dropped. "But… you…"

"You knew zat "morve stupide" means "stupid snot", what do you mean zat you don't know French?" Spy demanded.

"That wasn't French! That was Fritz talk!"

They all looked at the man like he was mad (which he was).

"…Fritz?"

"Yes. Pay attention. And since Fritzes are damaging to America's society, I learned the language of the enemy, so that I know what their evil plans are to turn America into a Communist country!"

Engineer cocked his head. "Son, _none_ of what you just said made any sense or even really coincided with history in any way that I know of, you know that? Also, you contradicted your previous statement that you only spoke English."

Soldier's eyes darkened dangerously. "Maggot, say that to my face! Tell me that you aren't a traitor, a conspirator against our country!"

Engineer shifted uncomfortably, positive that whatever he said next would be used against him. He briefly met Sniper's eyes, and sent out a silent plea for help, wordlessly begging him. However, the Australian did nothing more than bite his lip and turn away.

 _That little…._ Engineer though furiously.

Doom seemed inevitable to the poor mechanic, but suddenly-

"I'm bored." Scout yawned. "Ya wrinkly ol' fags 're jus' _so dull_."

Soldier suddenly turned his attention to his next unfortunate victim. Engineer sighed quietly, body noticeably relaxing. Even though his interruption had been completely unintentional and simply because Scout was Scout, Engineer made a silent promise that he would someday make it up to the youngest mercenary for saving him.

Suddenly, Sniper interrupted business as usual, obviously not having the energy to put up with yet another fight.

"Mates, how 'bout we jus'… erm… go out fer the day, yeah? Get this musty old base air outta our systems? We could stop by that bar in Teufort, th' one wif the 'orrible name…"

"Yes, I recall zhe one." Spy cut in.

"Well, whoi don' we go down fer a few drinks wiffout them other crazies in the kitchen?"

"Sounds good to me," Engineer agreed quickly, eager to get out of the base.

Spy shrugged his consent.

Soldier saluted. "That sounds like a star-spangled plan!" he declared. "Good job, private!"

Scout puffed out his chest proudly. "Hell yea! Then we can show you lame old faggots that we really _are_ heroes! Th' women there love me!"

Engie snorted. "Somehow, I seriously doubt that. Hate to burst your bubble, bud, but most women wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole."

Scout snorted. "Pah! You're jus' jealous cuz ya don' have mah _swaaaaggggg._ "

Sniper groaned. "Les' jus' go, yeah mates?"

As they filed out to the garage, the Engineer couldn't help but feel that this little adventure was going to become a disaster.

He had no idea how right he was.

 **Well, that's all for now, folks! Sorry for that weird scene where Solly knows French, but I feel like there needs to be** ** _somebody_** **that can translate Spy's random French insults/phrases, and he seems to be just paranoid enough to be that man. Also, I do not actually speak French, I used Bing Translate. So if it was wrong, just roll with it and blame Microsoft! Anyways, I hope that I'll be able to update this often, but we'll see how it goes. Let me know what you think!**

 **See ya next time!**

 **-Doom**


End file.
